Normal?

I come from a proud heritage of screwed-upedness. Most of my close ancestors have been religious, so the party hasn’t been as raucous as it had potential to be.

Still, I’ve spent the younger years of my life in anticipation of a horrid emotional surprise. Each year brings ever closer the question of whether I may finally be classified as a mental condition.

Do I have Depression? Anxiety? Social anxiety? Ooh! Maybe I can be diagnosed with a cocktail of disorders I’ve not yet heard of!

A cocktail is what to expect when one applies to a psychiatrist -one of medications.

I learned, in school, that a person is defined as having a mental condition when said condition interferes with normal life. And so, each day that is a bit more difficult than others, I wonder if I’ve finally crested the abnormal wave.

“Everyone feels that way,” I’m reassured, by a spouse who does not spend the morning crying.

“Oh, I’ve had those days,” says my neighbor, from her newly-decorated sitting room. I haven’t gotten around to mine for …four years.

Eventually, one of my children brings a true threat of fratricide within earshot, and I have to leave my self-pity rut.

It’s still there, though. Even a medicinal mix wouldn’t erase it. I often feel that drugs create potholes in other locations: side effects fallout.

What is normal?

How do I get there?

13 thoughts on “Normal?

      • Well Chelsea, I can’t say that I don’t feel like unfollowing everybody (which I have done) and only follow you and a few. Man, if WP is this cruel, then I wonder what the critics must be like. But I guess we can’t let them win, can we?

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          • I do not agree with some of the things he said there, because I guess old beliefs stick. My view is TULIP, although I sometimes doubt and wonder if I must go towards Augustine or Kierkegaard. But I will not preach anymore. I could two years ago. But it would be hypocrisy now. But I agree that what I do can become propaganda. And I guess Mark Driscoll is a great example while Martyn Lloyd Jones who did it with love is a different man altogether. But I will tone it down. It’s pointless picking feuds or bleeding on a page. I’ll have to slowly move towards something else.

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          • Holy cow! I just learned a slew of information from your name-dropping. I was not aware of this gaping hole in theological philosophers I possessed.
            I assume, from your comment, you think of your blogging as achieving a purpose. I would ask, then, what is that purpose? What are you doing (or not) that causes you to feel you are not achieving it?
            As a side note, I relate to your bleeding. And, your expression of it is lovely. I also know that eternally stewing there will not heal you -the ultimate goal you need for living- as opposed to possessing depressive subject matter for a short-term period of life.

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          • Blogging is achieving no purpose Chelsea. It’s foolish really. I’m writing but I honestly hate it. A lot of poets talk about depression, and they blame circumstances and to some degree they’re right. Yes people go through terrible circumstances. But they don’t realise just how fault ridden they are. Recently I was restored to the faith. I was not entirely restored, but a little. But the problem is some circumstances that I will never talk about got in the way. So right now I just write a few things, and wait. I’m not that well anyway. The theologians around me don’t have answers, and they haven’t been kind to me. But then some people here are terrifying. I’ll be taking a vacation soon and if things fall in place, I’ll never come back. You asked me the wisest question. A question nobody here has asked me. I’m not blindly praising you. It’s a question I ask myself often.

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          • I, too, have returned to faith. I intend to write about it once it flows better. I agree with your conclusion that you should stop writing if it is not cathartic.
            I also recommend you find a good psychologist, counselor, therapist -whatever. I’ve recently been seeing a decent one, and recognize a lot of what you say because those very words come out of me during sessions. Our last meeting, she explained that we have a core of emotions; who we are. We often speak and reason too much in the logical head voice. The core is authentic and good and hopeful; the other, secondary one is negative. That subject’s also waiting for the right flow to write about it.
            Good luck and faith on the journey, and do not go it completely alone.

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          • Or they might just be another way. The thing is you can’t push faith. And there is a cathartic element to writing that I’m slowly finding. And memory that is suppressed sometimes erupts. So let’s see how things go.

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  1. Pingback: The Blue-Green Pill | A Wife, My Verse, and Every Little Thing

  2. I was glad to read in your comments “conversation” that the return of faith to your life is helping you make sense of things. Without a biblical worldview, I would probably succumb to nihilism.

    However, with Christ, the entire world makes sense. God’s love for us gives meaning to every precious life. Knowing that is why your family’s “party” never became as raucous as it had the potential to be.

    Make sure you find a healthy Christian church, and a pastor who preaches the Gospel. May Emmanuel bless you with peace and comfort during this Advent and Christmas season.

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    • Why, thank you.
      I had an atheist friend, back when I was much more devout, who did not understand when I told him I would be nihilistic without Faith.
      We are all vulnerable souls, and need a team of others to help in life.

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