Winner
(What? Did you think I was going to keep you in suspense?)
THE SOUR GRAPES OF WRATH
by Babbitman
There are green ones
And red ones
But sometimes they are so dark that they are pretty much
Black
Oh, so black.
And dark.
Like my heart.
Since you’ve been gone.
You peeled grapes for me.
Which was jolly nice
Because
I really didn’t like the skins
Which
Used to get stuck in my teeth
In the gaps
And underneath
My tongue.
Somehow. Don’t ask me how.
I’m not a dentist.
And now the skins
Are giving me grief again.
Such grief.
Beyond belief.
And they’re not very sweet.
I would have said bitter
And thrown them in the litter
bin
But actually they’re probably really
Just sour.
Like my mood.
Unpleasant food.
And it’s because of you.
That I’m sour.
Like these grapes.
And I hate
You.
So there.
I had a really difficult time choosing a winner. I had to flip a four-sided coin to determine who got it. Yes, a four-sided coin is a thing. Yes, that means that the more-than-four entries were still too pretty. Get more angst, guys.
To those who entered and did not get first place but were still terrible: great work! I cringed so much I almost stopped laughing out loud.
As to you, Babbitman, the little extra oomph that bumped you up to first (besides winning the imaginary, impossible coin toss) was your random references to things that still managed to make me think of bad poetry clichés. Add that to the terrible meter and line interruptions (present in a few others’ entries) and I nearly had to go get a breath of fresh prose to recover.
So, congratulations! You are the most terrible poet of them all for this week.
Here are the other terrible poetry submissions, in order of when they were submitted:
Sour Grapes
by Bladud Fleas
A bunch of your finest my good woman
if you don’t mind
O, your last lot left me little lips a bit puckered
Nope, no probs! assuredly
Honestly,
I didn’t want them anyhow.
—–
Untitled piece
by Nitin
Those grapes are sour
I cannot reach them
O Alas! O Alas! O Sigh!
Death O Death grows nigh!
And my need grows by
the daily hour
I said, ‘So, the curtain
doesn’t match them drapes,’
And for that this,
This punishment! This poverty!
O Star! O heavens! O clouds!
My freedom! My liberty!
Gone!
Taken and now as I’m tied to these
Bedposts
I writhe! I writhe! I writhe!
Them who said ‘Ginger’s have no soul,’ were talking no myth!
O Alas! O Alas! O beautiful star!
—–
Sour Grapes
by Bladud Fleas
O the grape has a pip you know
known as a seed sometimes
and the sourest grape
has the sourest indeed
one that can even make a grown man’s lips bleed
into a conveniently placed hankerchief
if he has one
not all men carry them these days
the apes
Neanderthals
with their grapey palate
like being stuck on the mouth with a great huge wooden mallet
those grapes.
—–
It Follows
by Jon
Sour grapes
Bitter fruit
Ingratitude
Vomited heavenward
Raining down
Staining, rude
Creasing frown
Crass, crude
Ugly festering
Attitude
—–
Untitled piece
by Bladud Fleas
When I’m lying in my hospital bed
don’t bring me grapes!
O bring me pineapples, melons and avocados instead
and apples red (and strawberries because they’re also red)
And lemons and bananas from the capes
(O and I just remembered raspberries are red too)
bring those
But not more grapes
Can you pull those drapes for me?
That’s better, now I can see
O no, are those for me?
Take
them
away
Come back
another day with some other fruit
or a carrot yeah I really don’t mind vegetables
—–
Untitled piece
by Masercot
I lost the race
but that’s okay because the trophy had a stupid face
and the meager prize purse
was even worse…
—–
Sour Grapes
My mommy said
Smile
No sour grapes
Allowed
Why? I said
If I smile
You will see them
on my teeth
Ps. This is terrible Ug
—–
Sour Grapes
I refuse to obey rules –
especially for bad poetry.
Some might think it’s really cool
to have a rule
but personally I think it’s a load of bull
Some might think this excellent (some might say brilliant)
poem is revenge
for not winning last week’s poetry-that-sux competition.
But I refuse to obey rules
even when I’m driving a car
Ha ha ha
(I would’ve put “sux” at the end of the line but couldn’t think of anything that rhymed with it).
This could be construed as being sour grapes
but the expression “sour grapes” is a cliché.
But hey!
Hang loose.
Bruce
can screw up his face just as well with lemon juice.
—–
Untitled piece
Sour Grapes
Sour Grapes
Oh God
This was a mistake.
Gag my mouth with duct tape
But now it’s too late
I’ve entered the contest
My poem is a right mess.
Sour Grapes
Sour Grapes
Grapes which are not sweet
Are usually sour.
Fin
—–
Untitled piece
“Why am I not married?”
Some complain, and in an attempt to drain the pain, they exclaim,
“It’s caused by a culture of rapes!”
But I know that’s just sour grapes.
I am also terribly sorry for sending this out so late. The oldest and I went out for our traditional ‘Black Friday’ shopping of going to the local Smith’s Food and Drug to get free donuts at 7 a.m. Any other Black Friday-ing is madness.
I’ve come home, recovered a bit, and determined that I ought to use a fat chair next time I’m post-op.
Merry Thanksgiving to you all, and be sure to enter next week’s contest!
A well-deserved win for Babbitman – congratulations! (Although I used the phrase “So there” in a comment early last week so I feel that cribbing is rife among the Terrible Poets’ Society.)
© 2018 Bruce Goodman
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Can I say that it was probably subliminal influence? And I now see that you’re deploying the fabled copyright symbol. I shall have to resort to the powers of Parody & Satire! 🙂
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I’m sure plagiarism is entirely the reason for the win, and not any sort of lack on your part, Bruce. 😀
I think you’d be hard-pressed to prove that using any part of this comment breaks copyright law, either.
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Yaayyy!!! WINNER!!! Thanks, Chelsea, you’ve made my week. I’d like to thank so many people who helped make this possible, but I’m quite tired and somewhat selfish, so I won’t. 🙂
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Hmmm… I’d think you’d at least thank Xanthius. Thank YOU for entering!
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Good point! Not quite enough swearing for Xanthius, though. (Must get back to that story, he’s currently hanging about in the boat and I need to introduce him to the new characters).
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Yes! It is ALWAYS a good idea to continue the story. I fully expect Xanthius to fall out of a tree on someone or suddenly rise from the dirt. I’m sure he’ll figure out the worst possible way.
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Thanks Chelsea! You’ve just sparked an idea! 😀
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Oh, goodie!
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Reblogged this on babbitman and commented:
I’ve won a competition! Yaay! OK, so it’s actually a competition for writing terrible poetry (on purpose, in case you thought this is my usual standard). The very wonderful Chelsea Owens has started a Weekly Terrible Poetry contest and it is a LOT of fun. This week’s topic was “Sour Grapes” and several budding poor poets immediately dived into the nearest barrel and began scraping. It is truly an honour to have been chosen as the Worst Poet of the Week, particularly when the competition pushed the bar so low.
It is strangely therapeutic to dig around for terrible rhymes, wonky meter and cliche-ridden angst. I highly recommend that you all join in!
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I couldn’t have put it better myself! (Though, the entrants so far have a problem with being too GOOD of poets!)
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I agree that in the first week everyone was holding back a bit and didn’t let the “terrible” flow! We will work on unleashing the very worst poetry in the future so that the poems make your eyes bleed and brain ooze out of your ears. We are aiming for full Vogon 🙂
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Um …good?
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If you’re going to do a Terrible Poetry Competition, you HAVE to know about Vogons (and Grunthos the Flatulent). https://hitchhikers.fandom.com/wiki/Vogon_poetry
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You insult me. Haven’t you read my blog’s byline?
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Errrmmmm…. I only put the link there to help other people channel their inner-Vogon 😉
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Resistance is useless!
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OK, throw me into space. Just let me grab my towel… 😉
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At least you know where it is.
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I am a hoopy frood. 🙂
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This was so hysterical, Chelsea. No wonder you had trouble picking the worst of the worst. What a crack up. Congrats to Babbitman, but also to all the other writers of horrible poems. It takes talent to be so creatively bad. 🙂 Lol.
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Oh, I agree! I’m so glad such clever people have entered the contest. 🙂
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Gutted.
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Whatevs. Just get worse and it will all work out.
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