The Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest 2/29 – 3/6/2020

Welcome to the Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest #61!

Every week, I include a link to a brief outline on how to write terrible poems. A few contests back, however, Doug Jacquier enlightened me as to the existence of one Ern Malley.

Ern was the pen name of two poets who thought a certain poetry publication (Angry Penguins) published crap. To prove their point, they constructed bad poetry and submitted the lot. According to the Wikipedia page, “enraptured by the poetry, [the editors] devoted the next issue of Angry Penguins to Malley, hailing him as a genius. The hoax was revealed soon after, resulting in a cause célèbre and the humiliation of Harris [a co-editor], who was put on trial, convicted and fined for publishing the poems on the grounds that they contained obscene content. Angry Penguins folded in 1946.”

So here are the specifics for this week:

  1. The Topic DOES NOT MATTER. The construction does; for, you are to construct a poem in the same way ‘Ern Malley’ did:
    “Their writing style, as they described it, was to write down the first thing that came into their heads, lifting words and phrases from the Concise Oxford Dictionary, a Collected Shakespeare, and a Dictionary of Quotations: ‘We opened books at random, choosing a word or phrase haphazardly. We made lists of these and wove them in nonsensical sentences. We misquoted and made false allusions. We deliberately perpetrated bad verse, and selected awkward rhymes from a Ripman’s Rhyming Dictionary.’ They also included many bits of their own poetry, though in a deliberately disjointed manner (Wikipedia).”
    Take random lines from stories, from Shakespeare, from quotes, from the dictionary, and from you. See what nonsensical brilliance ensues.
  2. Keep the Length around 250 words or fewer.
  3. This is likely to end up free verse, so don’t worry about rhyming.
  4. In fact, I doubt you’ll have to try very hard to make it terrible. Just try to get James McAuley and Harold Stewart (AKA Ern Malley) to sit up from their angelic rest and applaud your literary brilliance.
  5. Keep the rating PG-13 or cleaner.

You have till 8:00 a.m. MST next Friday (March 6) to submit a poem.

Use the form below if you want to be anonymous for a week.

If not, and for a more social experience, include your poem or a link to it in the comments. Check in if you use a pingback and it doesn’t show up in a day.

Have fun!

Ern_Malley

Photo credit: Wikimedia Commons

WINNER of the Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest 2/28/2020

My apologies, as usual, for the lateness of posting. As such, no more dallying.

The winner is:

Anniversary threnody

by Bruce Goodman

Today is our anniversary
And I’m just writing to say
I hate your guts.
No ifs or buts;
I hate your guts.
And God knows
You’ve plenty of guts –
Not courage but great wads of fat
Hanging over the top of your belt
Like a petrified tsunami
Brought about by eating too much pastrami.

We had known each other for almost two whole days,
And when you left
I was bereft.
That was a week ago today
And although me and me dog
Don’t want to flog
A dead horse, on the way out you should’ve known
That you were driving over my precious drone.

Congratulations, Bruce! You are (once again!) the most terrible poet of the week!

I had a good four or five poems I considered for the winner. They used different terrible elements, though all included a terrible subject. Bruce rose to first for his continued, annoying rhyming of “guts/buts/guts/guts” and his mis-metering overall.

If you’re looking for more love and nostalgia (and have issues), here are the rest:

Transcripts Used by the Defense at the Trial

by Trent P. McDonald

Happy Anni, my dear
Let’s celebrate and have a beer!
I know you like fine wine
But tonight a Bud is fine
I’ll even pay the fine since double-“A” says “No!”
That’s one club I think I’ll blow
I’m not off the wagon, dear one
I just want a little Anniversary fun!
Yeah, I know keeping me straight is your mission
Maybe I’ll just sneak some booze when I’m out fishin’
Didn’t I tell you about it?
The guys rented a boat and seven of us will fit!
Yeah, it’s later I’m going to catch some fishes
And you can stay home and wash all the dishes
Since I invite the gang over for lunch
Hurry and cook something for my bunch!
What’d you mean I’m leaving my paddle as I go up the creek
Since we’ve been married just a week?
You should dance and sing a song
I’ve never committed to anything quite this long!
So happy Anni, my wife
And just think, this is how it will be the rest of your life!!

—–

Love Puppies

by The Abject Muse

And they said it wouldn’t last.

Some days went so fast!

But others went so slow

I wanted to slit my throat.

All in all as time goes by

with lots of other fish to fry

and as I end another fling

I wonder what the next six will bring.

Perhaps we’ll fall deeper in love,

with lots of help from Up Above.

Or perhaps like Charles Bukowski penned

“Love is a Dog from Hell,” (Amen).

—–

Anniversary

by Bryntin

there have been many mrs bryntins
I think you are the fifth
but you’re the one that’s lasted best
and didn’t run off with the blacksmith
like the last three did
what he lacks in wit
he makes up for with width
but they only really run off with him
because he rhymed with fifth

anyway

we have made it to ten years
which for me is new frontiers
and I know for you
it is also new
so how have we lasted so well?
I don’t know, I must be hell
to live with
but you are largely
the woman of my dreams
you make great tea
and bring it with custard creams

do you remember
when you made me propose?
and due to mitigating circumstance
like the pain for example
I said yes
and asked you to marry me?
can’t believe that ten years
has passed without too many tears
of frustration so well really

we go together
like fish and chips
you all crinkly
and me battered
like strawberries and cream
you fat and full of calories
me fruity but likely macerated
like punch and judy
which also doesn’t work out for me that well

so happy anniversary my love
I know you’ll be expecting a present
so…
what do you mean it’s not till next month?

bugger

—–

Anniversaries

by Deb Whittam

It was love at first sight.
I knew you were for me.
The moment I tugged you on.
My heart expanded and I ceased to be
Without fear, without heartache,
You were so perfect, I could not
Believe. That I had chosen you,
And you were there for me.
We went everywhere together,
Up hills, down hills, onto the dirt.
Round the corners. In the rain, the wind,
The hail, the sunshine, the darkness ….
You were such a right fit, I felt
Like I was floating away but now as we
Reach our 3 month anniversary
We have begun to drift apart.
Seams are fraying, your soul is growing
Hard, you have lost your bounce and I
Am losing mine. So perhaps we should
Part? I will remember you always,
As Adrenaline 22/11/2019 – 429km
Buy Runners. I will love you always.

—–

A gem of a marriage

by Geoff LePard

We married young and liked our fun
As do healthy boys and girls
We stayed quite flirty at year thirty
Romping on a bed of pearls.

We didn’t brag cos we were glad
To bounce around like newbies
We’d kept it naughty at year forty
So we deserved those rubies.

Time has passed, we can’t be arsed
And faking it’s not clever.
Still the wife’s still frisky at year sixty
So these diamonds are for Eva.

—–

Perce P Cassidy and the Sunblock Kid

by Doug Jacquier

60 years they been ridin’ together
only these days they ride by rail,
Perce’s face like Nebuchadnezzar,
The Kid a whiter shade of pale.

Despite all that Hollywood drivel
These two are indefatigable
Although The Kid has developed a dribble
And Perce has a ring that’s inflatable.

Just when The Kid thought he’d forgotten
Perce flourished a diamond ring
It’s origins of course misbegotten
But The Kid always loved the bling.

Now don’t go round town flashin’
that ring, old Perce he roughly croaks
Folks might get the wrong idea, Kid,
That we’re not pure manly blokes.

The Kid smiled and said he’d ne’er tell
And closer to Perce he did scootch
And whispered into his ear-like shell
‘Oh, Perce, you were always so Butch.’

—–

Anniversary

by Joanne the Geek

I want you to really know right now
This day I’m going to make you go wow
Surprise! It is our anniversary today
We’ve been together for one whole day!

I treasure every moment I’m with you
And I really hope you feel the same way too
I just love following you around
Even when you seem to go to ground

I just can’t wait when we dine tonight
With your skin looking lovely and white
I love it so much I’d wear it myself
Or possibly leave it dangling from a shelf

Anyways, this night I have a big surprise in store
It will probably make you drop your jaw!
I’m going to ask you to marry me
Because I think we are truly meant to be

So please say yes because I don’t know what I’d do
Without you, say no you’ll really end up in the poo

—–

Cheers

by Peregrine Arc

Annually I greet thee
Laying among the leaves scattered on the ground
It’s almost winter here now, you would have liked it.
Frost in window corners, school buses making their rounds.
It’s too bad you smacked your lips one too many times at the dinner table
And belched Beethoven’s 5th at every chance you had.
Maybe I could’ve overlooked that and the many other troubling manners you possessed.
If only you had faster reflexes than I when I sat behind the wheel…

Ah, well, ’tis life.
Ten feet to you under ground, I toast my wine glass to you above.
A delightful pig lies here, sending up a treadmarked, contented burp.
I picked Merlot this year.
From me to you, cheers. 🐖

—–

Little willie

by Ruth Scribbles

Little willie got married
He always felt harried
He said to his wife
Just stab me with a knife

Sixty years later
He said to his mater
Why did you marry me
You could have had Larry

—–

An Awful Anniversary Assembly.

by Ellen Best

Sixty years, well here’s to it, I raise a glass; into it, I spit.
Jerk my head to call him near, passed his glass feigned a cheer.
He swallowed with greed; saliva and all. I curl my lip; soon he’ll fall.

A drunk, a bully full of hate; tonight, they will see his colours
spread out on the dinner plate. I served tripe and jellied eels.
This food, both banal and grey; like him, had seen a better day.

I smile at those around my cloth. His cronies and the hangers-on
those that doff their cap, those that think him a super chap.
“Please sit” I cry. Having previously dressed his tripe
with little crushed garlic to disguise the arsenic’s taste.
It was with finality he gorged in ungentlemanly haste.

—–

Thank you all, so much! These were a great lift at the end of a busy day. Please check in tomorrow for next week’s prompt.

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Bruce: Here’s a badge you can post as proof of your poetic mastery:

terrible-poetry-contest

©2020 The poets, and their respective poems.

Throwback Thursday: Zombie Lunchlady

I had intended to continue H.R.R. Gorman‘s story today, but ’twill have to wait till morning. In the meantime, enjoy a three paragraph story I wrote back on October 18, 2017.

3 Paragraph Story: Zombie Lunchlady

Doris stood there, hand on hip, trying to figure out what to say. She’d already used up most of her standby phrases; things like, “Don’t forget, employees must wash their hands,” and “A smile will go a long way.” What worked for all the other ladies had not worked for this newest employee.

“Wash your hands” had led to the new hire carefully removing one hand, rinsing it, reattaching it somewhat sloppily, then attempting to repeat the process with the other one. Encouraging her to smile had sent the entire first grade screaming and running away from the queue.

Today, Doris had come to school ready for whatever came to mind. She’d thought to ask her fellow long-timers what they suggested. Looking hopelessly around the group, however, she realized they would not have any suggestions for the new girl. Rather, she had rubbed off on them already. They stood in a similar posture to hers, listlessly lolling their heads about and groaning. Doris cleared her throat anyway. Alerted, they all began shambling closer.

 

©2020 Chelsea Owens

Kickstarters and Chainmail Bikini

I haven’t talked about our dice business in awhile. That may be due to my beached whale level of pregnancy activity, followed by my hunchbacked snail level post-delivery, followed by my (just named) gluttonous sloth status currently.

Inspired by said baby-making costs, Kevin has been putting a lot more into the family business. We’re talking even more special sets, like stone dice sets.

Blue Jasper Dwarven Stones® Dice Set

We’re talking handmade gaming candles; like Hunter’s Mark, Wizard’s Library, and Chainmail Bikini.

Chainmail Bikini Gaming Candle

And, we’re talking Kickstarters.

Music

Back when we first started selling dice, the sets we carried were unique. They came from the same people, who purchased from the same factory, and were limited to what everyone knew in terms of plastics and innovations.

Nowadays, your grandma can be contacted by sneaky Chinese manufacturers who just ran off with someone’s business idea funded by game nerds across the internet.

Business idea? Game nerds? I’m talking about Kickstarter: one of the coolest inventions since Bailey Bros. Building and Loan.

No longer tied to bank loans or grandma’s inheritance, entrepreneurs with business ideas can get the financial backing through millions of internet strangers. Our friends get their most interesting board games that way. They also showed us some dice sets they’d gotten, which set the idea-wheels in motion…

Because, this week, we’ve opened our very first Kickstarter. It’s for music dice. Kevin’s proposing their use for a bard, but they’d work for music teachers and music lovers as well. Where else can you get sharps and flats on a d6? Time signatures on a d4? Rests, bardic instruments, key signatures, notes, and bard stickers?

Bard Stickers

Yes, this is a sales pitch. Betcha couldn’t tell -right? Since you all know I hate sales, however, you should also know that I’m talking about these polyhedral music dice because I LOVE them. The music nerd and gaming nerd inside me is just tickled.

…Although I’d never play a bard.

Do you like gaming? Dice? Music? Long walks on the beach without that annoying bard playing his annoying ballads? If you do, or know someone who does, consider backing our Kickstarter. If not, no hard feelings.

—————-

Roll to see what you’ll read from last week:
Wednesday, February 19: Described how happy torture makes me in, “Exercise is a Four-Letter Word.”

Thursday, February 20: “I Love Your Perfect Crow’s Feet,” a poem inspired by my noticing crow’s feet on my friends and loved ones.

Friday, February 21: Winner of the Weekly Terribly Poetry Contest. Congratulations to Doug and Charlcot!

Saturday, February 22: Announced the 60th Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest. The theme is anniversaries. PLEASE ENTER!

And “Two Poetic Parodies.”

Sunday, February 23: “Rainbow in the Sky With Sparkles,” in response to Carrot Ranch’s prompt.

And an announcement acknowledging my 1000th post!

Monday, February 24: An inspirational quote by Härzenwort.

Tuesday, February 25: A poem, “Finding Happiness?

Wednesday, February 26: This post, plus “Houseplants and Mental Health” on The Bipolar Writer blog.

I also posted on my motherhood site. I wrote “Are You Going to Try for a Girl?,” and “Pre-Teen.”

 

Photo Credits: Dice, gaming candle, and stickers ©2020 Kevin Owens and Game Master Dice
Gifs ©2020 GIPHY

 

©2020 Chelsea Owens

Finding Happiness?

I couldn’t find my happiness
It wasn’t in its place
Not here
Nor there
It’d disappeared
Or hadn’t ever been…
“I’ll find it yet!” I said
I swore
Then sat in Thinker pose
But
-Although I checked behind
Below
Beneath
Bereaved?
I couldn’t find my happiness
Although
I found my sock.

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~~~~~

Pretty sure John influenced this one.

©2020 Chelsea Owens

Photo Credit: Les Triconautes

1,000 Posts

Technically, this announcement is #1,001, but… I MADE IT TO 1,000 posts! Yay! Happy 1,000th Post Day, Blog!

1000 Posts

First Post: “The Post You May Never Read,” on June 25, 2017.

Most Commented-On Post: “Really Big News of a Non-Writing Kind” -not surprising as it was my pregnancy announcement!

Post With the Most Views: My About Me page, which proves you’re all a bunch of stalkers.

Day With the Most Site Hits: December 20, 2018, when many fine writers contributed parodies of favorite Christmas songs for our fifth Terrible Poetry Contest, then I apologized for announcing winners early.

Followers: 936 (Wouldn’t that have been cool to also be at 1,000?)

Blogs I Follow: 290

~~~~~

Thanks, everyone, for the support! Here’s to 1,000 more!

Rainbow in the Sky With Sparkles

“We’re here, live, at the public library, with an …interesting story. Here’s head librarian, Mrs. Scootz, to tell us more.”

“I am MS. SCHOTZ, and am the Media Specialist Director.”

“Sorry, I -”

“As to the ‘interesting’ story you reference, well! that is clearly all ‘story.'”

“I don’t see how -”

“Oh, ken help ye, Cutie!”

“It’s Kat, on-site reporter for KNN News. And you are …?”

“Hank, but you ken call me Hunk!”

“Rrright. Um… Hunk, can you tell us about Rainbow the library cat?”

“Shore shootin’! Las’ time I saw ‘er, Rainbow was blastin’ into space wit’ m’dog, Sparkles!”

Reported, live, for Carrot Ranch’s prompt about Rainbow the library cat.

With snowcats and situations in mind, I thought it would be a fun and informative exercise to write 99-word stories based on a situation. You’ll start with the situation and add what next, what next, what next until you arrive at “until finally.” In 99 words, of course.

February 20, 2020, prompt: In 99 words (no more, no less), write a story about a library cat named Rainbow who escapes. Use this situation to write what happens next. Where does this e=situation take place, and who else might be involved? Go where the prompt leads!

Respond by February 25, 2020. Use the comment section …to share, read, and be social. You may leave a link, pingback, or story in the comments. If you want to be published in the weekly collection, please use the form.  Rules & Guidelines.

 

©2020 Chelsea Owens

Two Poetic Parodies

Now I write when I should sleep;
I write so followers I’ll keep.
If I can rhyme before I wake,
Then approbation I will take.

~~~~~

Two souls converged on a bed of wood,
And told each other, “I’m sorry;” both
And; one, rising, sighed with doubt and stood
And looked with as much love as she could
To his messy hair and undergrowth;
Then thought of another, tall and fair,
And how he had tried, her love, to claim,
Because of a black dress she could wear;
Though the dress was gone; pants hung there
Had, to her mind, an effect the same,
And she therefore turned to bed to lay
In satin folds of sheets grey and black.
Oh, if she’d not want another day!
Yet if he’d not shrug; say ’twas her way,
I know he’d not get cold shoulder, back.
I watch and tell ’bout them with a sigh
Somewhere, sometime, and somewhere now hence:
Two souls converged on a bed of wood,
And told each other, “I’m sorry;” both
And that has made all the difference.

 

©2020 Chelsea Owens

And this is why you go to bed at a reasonable time.

The Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest 2/22 – 2/28/2020

Welcome to the Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest #60! I can hardly believe we’ve lasted this long. There’ve been some rough patches, some thrown dishes, but I think we’ve reached a mutual affection along the way.

Although we’ve had a long relationship, you may wish for some instructions regarding bad poetry. A brief, helpful outline may be found here. Bad poetry is an art, much like sculpting with peanut butter or coloring with tomatoes.

Got it? Oh, well. Here are the specifics for this week:

  1. Apparently, the big six-oh means DIAMONDS. So, your Topic is anniversaries. You can write about #60, #80, or even #6 months -you romantic fool, you.
  2. Keep the Length between 5 and 205 words.
  3. Rhyming isn’t everything, but can help the cringe level of a poem.
  4. Geez, man; just make it terrible. Make your 80-years-strong sweetheart question the day she said, “I do,” even after 80.08333 years of putting up with you.
  5. This is about love and anniversaries, right? I’m therefore cool with a G-Rating. (You can be clever without being explicit. You’ve been at this 59 times, ya know…)

You have till 8:00 a.m. MST next Friday (February 28) to submit a poem.

Use the form below if you want to be anonymous for a week.

If not, and for a more social experience, include your poem or a link to it in the comments. If you link back from your blog, leave a comment if it doesn’t show up in a day.

Have fun!

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Photo credit: Adika Suhari