WINNER of the Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest 4/17/2020

Kevin’s going to kill me, but the winner of the best Coronavirus song parody is:

“Close Yourself”
(“Lose Yourself” by Eminem)

by Dumbest Blogger

Look
If you had
One cough
One fever temperature
That could possibly mean COVID-19
With no treatment
Would you stay inside
And not take a trip?

Yo
His plans were ready, two weeks, temperature steady
He’s coughing on his dear aunt Betty, she’s not ready
Needs nurses, clean surfaces, soap and water
Will right wrongs, but sometimes he forgets
To just stay home, he wants to go out
He makes up a route, but can’t even buy trout
He’s breathin’ loud, everybody’s worried now
Masks help in reality, no room now for leavity
Oh, here’s a pandemic, no joke
He feels bad, it’s so tough to be sneezy! Oh!
He can’t have it! No, not COVID, he hopes
To make the curve flatter. At home, he stays there out of soap
It’s so flagrant. The Pope, he wants ventilators in Rome. Hey what’s this?
Back to the lab again yo, make a vaccine ready
Better let go of this Pangolin and hope he don’t eat it

You better, close yourself in you home, your apartment
You know it, you better never, ever, ever go!
You only have one cough, but sneezing is how it grows!
This COVID-19 could end somebody’s lifetime
You better

He sure like’s vaping, could be better at breaking
The lung’s for COVID’s taking
What a fling, China likes the World Health Org’ers
The staying home is boring, and now we’re really closing the border!
His breathing gets harder, fever gets hotter
He blows his nose harder, He knows he should stay in
Host to host blows, he could be a major infector
Lonely homes, job market slows, he’s chosen working from home, near the larder
He stays home, and barely even hears his own laughter
He blows his nose, and here comes the old farter
The store doesn’t have it no more, no toilet products
Virus moved to the next soul it goes, his nose roves and he needs sanitizer
So soap bill just grows, and slows, I hope this whole COVID, the virus goes on
Da-da-dum, da-dum, da-da

You better, close yourself in you home, your apartment
You know it, you better never, ever, ever go!
You only have one cough, but sneezing is how it grows!
This COVID-19 could end somebody’s lifetime
You better

—–

Congratulations, Dumbest Blogger! You are the most terrible poet of the week!

Hands down, these are some of the best parodies out there. For those who didn’t ‘win,’ I hope you publish yours and get YouTube famous (Ritu’s already on her way). Dumbest Blogger, I just couldn’t not recognize the incredible effort you put into parodying so much of Eminem’s famous rap. I mean -“dear aunt Betty”?? Genius.

For a different sort of singalong, here are some chart-toppers:

“If this doesn’t make you sick, then nothing will”
(“Theme from The Love Boat“)

by Richmond Road

Love, exciting and new
Come aboard. we’re infecting you.
Love, let’s all get in close.
My holiday romance, can I give you a dose?
The love boat, with passengers old and vague
The love boat. Soon we’ll be spreading another plague
Set a course for the hospital
Your mind on rewriting your will
And if I don’t survive this then I sure as heck won’t pay the bill.

Love. That won’t go away.
In the cabin next door
They didn’t wake up today
Love. That we can all share
And finish our cruise in intensive care
The love boat, we’ll soon have the world on its knees
The love boat. Let’s incubate love and disease
Now please step away, ’cause I think I am going to sneeze.

Love. What a wonderful cruise
Where life becomes cheap
Just like the booze
Love. A ménage a trois?
Let’s cough on each other down by the bar
The love boat. Don’t ever pay them in cash
The love boat. More than an embarrassing rash
And if we don’t find safe harbour they’ll be throwing us out with the trash.

—–

“Space For Mom”
(“Stacy’s Mom” by Fountains of Wayne)

by Obbverse

Stacey’s mom, she’s got it goin’ on,
Stacey’s mom, she’s always been the one,
Stacey’s mom, since adolescence has begun,
Stacey’s mom, in my dreams she’s coming on.

Stacey can I come over after school (after school)
Can I lay by your pool thinking of your mom (and drool)
Stacey has your mom come back from her New York trip?
The thought of her returnin’ makes my hear flipping skip.

You know, I’m not the little boy you used to see
I’m all grown up, boy, it’s painfully obvious to me.

Stacey’s mom she’s got it goin’ on;
In short, she’s the one for whom I long,
Stacey when I look at you you’re just a girl to me,
Yes, its wrong and creepy, but I’m sweet on Stacey’s mom.

OH- Stacey’s mom has got her hot bikini on,
Guess I’m laid up till my temperature has gone.

Stacey do you ‘member when I mowed your lawn? (your lawn/)
Your mom came out with but a tea towel on (hardly on)
I could tell she liked me from the smile we shared (smile we shared)
I love to see those big beautiful bountiful teeth bared (big teeth bared)

And i think its more than an adolescent fantasy-
But since your dad skipped out, howsabout me as your step-daddy?

Stacey’s mom, she’s got somethin’ goin; on,
Call me slightly sick, but this puppy’s love is strong,
Stacey, I swear she’s blushing bright at me!
Woah, Stace, she’s feverishly flushing, I was wrong,
Sorry Stacey’s mom, this guy’s busy gettin’ gone.

—–

“Barfing on Dad’s old army pants”
(“MacArthur Park” by Richard Harris)

by Doug Jacquier

The bus was never waiting for us, girl
It always left when the driver said
We stayed too late at the dance
It departed and we were depressed
In the closet, hot and stuffy,
Along with Dad’s old army pants.

We barfed there in the dark
All the Coke and pizza flowing down.
Then I had to walk home in the rain
Caught a cold, I can’t shake it,
so next week I can’t make it
Cos I’m locked down with the Covid once again.
Oh, no!
Oh, no
No, no
Oh no!!

—–

“Coronabug”?
(“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by Wham!)

by Deb Whittam

Coronavirus
Coronavirus
Coronavirus
Coronavirus

You put the wheez, wheez into my chest (Cough, cough)
You sent my temperature sky high with your kiss
Social isolation was sending me insane (yeah, yeah)
Guess we were all feeling the same.
But something’s bothering me (ha-ha, ha-ha)
Something ain’t right (ha-ha, ha-ha)
My best friend told me you went out last night (ha-ha, ha-ha)
Left me sleepin’ in my bed (ha-ha, ha-ha)
I was behaving, but you when partying instead (ha-ha)

Wake me up before you go-go
We can still go in pairs, if we lay low
Wake me up before you go-go
I mean I’ll get it from you anyway, ain’t that right?
Wake me up before you go-go
Fever’s not much fun when it’s done solo
Wake me up before you go-go
Covid19 we’ll see you tonight
My fever’s gonna get so high (yeah yeah)

—–

“My Corona”
(“My Sharona” by The Knack)

by Kristian

My Corona
My Corona
Ooh, my little deadly one, a deadly one
OK, at the moment I feel…. Fine, Corona
Ooh, you make my fever run, my fever run
Sweats running off me is that a…… Sign, Corona?

If I don’t ever stop, going out, I’m going out of my mind
I’ll get infected from the touch of the unwashed kind
My, my, my, ay, ay, woah!
M-m-m-my Corona

Don’t Come any closer, huh, ah, don’t ya, huh
Not Close enough to look in my eyes, Corona
Keeping six feet away from me,

or you will see, that everyone dies, Corona
If I don’t ever stop, going out, I’m going out of my mind
I’ll get infected from the touch of the unwashed kind
My, my, my, ay, ay, woah!
M-m-m-my Corona
M-m-m-my Corona
Na, na, na, na, na-na
My Corona
When you gonna get to me, get to me
It is just a matter of….. Time, Corona.

—–

“Lockdown”
(“Downtown” by Petula Clark)

by Bryntin

Now you’re alone and your house isn’t homely
you can always blame – lockdown
when your still in your jimjams and your mouth is all furry
it’s easy to blame – lockdown

just listen to the silence of no traffic in the city
don’t linger on the sidewalk ‘cos the bug’ll get you dicky
happy to booze
the lights are much safer there
you can forget all your troubles, not bother with your hair

because of – lockdown
things will be smelly because – lockdown
no better place for wine – lockdown
you just need a corkscrew

don’t hang around or let your relatives surround you
plenty of movies on Netflix lockdown
maybe you know little places to go to
take your bottles and never close lockdown

just listen to the sirens through the pain of your hangover
you might join in with ’em too before this thing is all over
outside again
your clothes will be tighter there
‘cos you forgot all your diets, forgot all your cares

so go – lockdown
where all the socialites are light – lockdown
TV dinner for one tonight – lockdown
you’ve just got to sit tight now – lockdown

Lockdown…
Lockdown….
Lockdown….
(etc. etc. chorus fades out to a final deathly silence…)

—–

“Yesterday – A Spoof”
(“Yesterday” by The Beatles)

by Trent McDonald

Yesterday
The Covid Virus seemed so far away
Now it looks as if it is here to stay
Oh, I believe in Yesterday

Suddenly
I’m locked inside instead of free
There’s a facemask hanging over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why I had to hide, locked inside, I couldn’t say
I coughed, is something wrong?!??! Now I long for yesterday!

Yesterday
Meeting friends was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why I had to hide, locked inside, I couldn’t say
I coughed, Something’s wrong!!!! Now I long for yesterday!

Yesterday
Meeting friends was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away
Oh, I believe in yesterday
MM mm mm mm mm mm

—–

“Black Bird”
(“Blackbird” by The Beatles)

by Matt Snyder

Black bird coughing every day and night

his temperature is high, it’s quite a site

Why oh why. did Covid 19 have to come into your life ?

Black Bird feeling sicker now

huddled in your nest in that big oak tree

Why oh why ? Did Covid 19 have to come in to your life

Black Bird don’t die

Black Bird don’t die

You will break free and you then will see

that Covid 19 won’t be your destiny

Black Bird feeling better now

Normal Body temp every day and night

But boy you gave us a fright

Covid 19 is no longer part of your life

Covid 19 is no longer part of your life

—–

“Nights During Lockdown”
(“Nights in White Satin” by The Moody Blues)

by Geoff LePard

Nights during lockdown
Never seeming to end
I’m being driven
Right round the bend

People I’m missing
Beyond the front door
Another night with the missus
Oh what a bore!

Cos I’ve Covid
Yes I’ve Covid
Oh I’ve got Covid

Gazing at walkers, six feet apart
Distanced by Covid, not by my worst fart
I’ve taken up jogging, I stop for a breath
People dodge round me, I’m exhaling death

And it’s Covid
Yes it’s Covid
Sodding Covid

I think I’ve caught Covid, my breathing’s all manky
Even the dog starts to panic when I gob in my hanky
My hair’s a right mess, my armpits are smelly
There’s nothing else for it, save to blob by the telly

Cos of Covid
Bloody Covid
Effing Covid…

—–

“Sick House”
(“Brick House” by The Commodores)

by Michael Fishman

<Funky bass and drum groove. You know the kind: the one that makes you get up and dance with the window shades open because you don’t care who sees you doing your thing, even if you haven’t worn anything but underwear for the last month.>

Mmm, mmm, mmm…

Oh, it’s a sick house.
He’s just wearing underwear and letting it all hang out.
Ah, it’s a sick house.
Coronavirus, means he can’t go hustle about.

Oh, it’s a sick house.
Those funky symptoms makes her have to quarantine
Yeah, it’s a sick house
Makes her stop and think about her hygiene.

They know they got everything
that a couple needs to ride this thing out.
Toilet paper, wipes and bleach
and 36 pounds of frozen lake trout.

Cause it’s a sick house.
They make a porridge with broth and crushed black beans
in their sick house
cuz they read it cures COVID-19

Oh, it’s a sick house.
Nervous break
Nervous break
Nervous break
Nervous breakdown.

Need a mask
and some gloves
and a gown now

Nervous break
Nervous break
Nervous break
Nervous breakdown.

Need Purell
Need some bleach
Need Lysol
Gonna bawl now.

Nervous break
Nervous break
Nervous break
Nervous breakdown.

—–

“Itty Bitty Virus”
(“Itsy Bitsy Spider” by Mother Goose)

by Ruth Scribbles

The itty bitty virus 🦠
Climbed in the human’s mouth
Down to the lungs
It settled right on in
Up with the cough to
Infect the rest of you
And the itty bitty virus 🦠
Goes round and round the world

—–

“The Corona Splits”?
(Theme from “The Banana Splits“)

by Gary

Cov id, id, id, id, id, id.
Cov id, id, id, id, id, id.
Cov id, id, id, id, id, id.
Cov id, id, id, id, id, id.
One infected, two infected, three infected, four.
Four infected make a pandemic and so do many more.
Over hill and highway the corona buggies go
Comin’ on to bring you The Corona Up The Shit Creak Show.
Makin up a mess of life

Makin up a mess of jobs
Lot’s of free time for everyone.
Cov id, id, id, id, id, id.

Cov id, id, id, id, id, id.
Cov id, id, id, id, id, id.
Cov id, id, id, id, id, id.
Four infected, three infected, two infected, one.

All not allowed to play outside in the bright warm sun.
Flippin sick of our leaders, poppin like a cork
Guarding the bog rolls with a Pitch Fork
Cov id, id, id, id, id, id.

Cov id, id, id, id, id, id.
Cov id, id, id, id, id, id.
Cov id, id, id, id, id, id.

—–

“Lots Of It Around” – The Wet Wet Hankie version
(“Love is All Around” by Wet Wet Wet)

by Obbverse

I get snotty fingers when I blow my nose,
Folk are all around me, and so the virus goes,
It’s spitten in the wind whenever my nose blows-
As they glove up and gown me, a gnawing worry grows.

You know I sniffle I always will,
My runny nose’s never been that big a deal,
Its just a sinus infection but I can’t pretend
This cold’s a nasal nightmare, snot without end.

I see your masked face before me as I lie in my bed,
I kinda regret spreading all the things I spread,
Someone gave a dose to me, I gave it on to you,
Now I’m hyperventilating, feelin’ sad ‘n’ lookin’ blue.

—–

“Imagine”
(“Imagine” by John Lennon)

by Ritu Bhathal

Imagine there’s no bog roll
It’s easy if you try
No real tissue to wipe with
Gonna have to air dry
Imagine all the people without a bidet

Imagine no MacDonalds
No Costa, KFC
On no, what will you eat now?
Gonna have to cook your own tea
Imagine all the people raiding ASDA

You may say I’m a dreamer
Actually I’m not, it’s really on
I hope, some day this Coronavirus
Will feck off and just do one

Imagine kids home schooling
Parents trying to teach
Controlling all their offspring
Voices raising to a screech
Imagine all the adults reaching for the gin

Ooh oh ooh

You may say I’m a dreamer
Actually I’m not, it’s really on
I hope, some day this Coronavirus
Will feck off and just do one

—–

“A Whiter Shade of Pale”
(“A Whiter Shade of Pale” by Procol Harum)

by Trifflepudling

I skipped the nightly newscast
Turned cartwheels ‘cross the floor
I was feeling kinda seasick
But still I ate some more.

And the stocks were running lower
As the evenings flew away
So I called up to Just Eeeeat
And the biker brought my trays

And so it was later
As the Miller told his tale
That my face at first just greenish
Turned a whiter shade of pale.

So now my cupboard’s empty
And the truth is plain to see
Just a jar of antipasti
And a plate of frozen peas

I’ll just have to try much harder
Or I’ll bust right through my seams.
And although Joe Wicks is on the telly
My eyes might as well been closed

And so it was later
As the Miller told his tale
That my face at first just greenish
Turned a whiter shade of pale.

—–

Thank you all.

Dumbest Blogger: Here’s a badge you can post as proof of your poetic mastery:

terrible-poetry-contest

©2020 The poets, and their respective poems.

 

35 thoughts on “WINNER of the Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest 4/17/2020

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