Boil, boil, toil and terrible! This week’s poems were enough to take the eyes off a newt or the wool from a bat. Yet only one poet raised a horrible enough incantation to incite the Wal-mart imps, and that was:
Crackles & Cackles
by Peregrine Arc
Tooth, fang, eye of toad.
Hurry, hurry, PETA’s on the phone!
Come, come, more evil things we need
To finish this spell, to hasten its speed.
What do we choose? Bloody armor, a bloody mary, or even unwashed unmentionables?
A rope, fresh from a hanging, the ectoplasm of a ghost or a wing of a bat?
Oh Heavens and Hades, we need something more evil than that!
Nay, bring me that tome from the vault, yes, the one right over there, in-between the mummy’s teeth and the vampire’s sash. But not to be confused with the earrings of Sinbad.
TERRIBLE POETRY 101, the spine reads in blood.
I cackle, I chortle; oh this is such fun!
Yes, that’ll do the trick. This spell is now done.
Congratulations, P’Arc! You are the most terrible poet of the week!
The head witch required multiple readings through all entries this week. After brewing a potion to revive her sensibilities, she selected P’Arc’s contribution as first by merit of its terrible meter overall. Where is the subject going? Does it have one? What in the name of spell-dom will this brew?
Well done, young apprentice.
Now; if ye need yet another chant after hers, here are the rest:
A Nasty Spell
by Trent McDonald
A bit of basil
Add more olive oil
Some witch hazel
Tooth of hen
Toe of frog
Mud from the fen
And earwax from a dog
Some eye of Newt
No, not Gingrich!
Disgusting, you wit
Such a nasty witch!
We say the spell
That eye, Hell!
It’s watching you!
Remind me to never
Create a hex
With you ever
You don’t follow the text
by Bruce Goodman
O fortl tew hir jatl ebuvi the hurozum,
dicurelomg and chiiromg the isivelid
sphiri thi hed jatl bigam lu nuvi om;
gsolliromg soki the nurmomg tler – fass
uf sofi and tpsimduar and juy.
Bal, uh, whel e rivusaloum!
Spell of Invisibility
to become unseen first remove your clotheen
this spell does not work on your tutu or muumuu
if you’re a kid don’t you dare become bare
spells come from hell so you have messed up
get back dressed up
now that you grownups are naked it’s time to get bak-ed
find some prime chronic and smoke it like tonic
repeat that last step, beth, but this time with meth
now crunched, dude, you got to get krunked
repeat that last step, bloke, but this time with coke
now blowed, vato, you got to get throwed
and now you’re ready to go, baby
and i don’t mean maybe
walk out on the street
no one can see you
but take it slow, bro
note: avoid invisibility cloaks. your feet hang out.
by Deb Whittam
A pinch of aniseed
A clove of garlic
The urine from a deer
A touch of sauerkraut
A roasted black bean
A lock of Hugh Jackman’s hair
A touch of hops
A bit of fennel
A bit of dust from the
Nearest dog kennel
A pluck of onion
A scattering of rye
A brand new ipad
Thrown from the sky
Stir it up
Mix it twice
Then drink it up
Vomiting it really nice
Now thrown down the mag
Throw it down hard
I wish all that gossip was true
And Matt Damon was in my front yard
Liar liar pants onfire
by Ruth Scribbles
Sun of night
Moon of day
Shed your light
On this my prey
Curse the liar
Within my Lair
Burn the tongue
Of the young
Turn this happiness
From the east
To the west
And the deep blue sea
Make these tears run
For all to see
An Evil Brew
Orcs from Moria,
Goblins from The High Pass.
Wraiths of the Nether-world
Nazgul, Servants of Sauron.
Conmen, liars and theives.
Brownshirts and Gestapo.
Zombies and the soulless dead.
Combine all together,
give them a common cause,
And one Lord to rule them,
who leaves his Dark Tower…
… Washington sure has changed lately.
Gremlins: A Teenage Mythology
A sneeze is how a poltergeist gets outside of you.
At night a different stinky elf sleeps inside each shoe.
Every creaking rafter supports its resident ghost,
and it’s little gremlins who make you burn the toast.
Each night those tricky fairies put snarls in your hair,
while pixies in your sock drawer unsort every pair.
Midnight curtain billows are caused by banshee whistles.
Vampires use your toothbrush and put cooties in its bristles.
Truths all come in singles. It’s lies that come in pairs.
That’s a zombie, not a teenager, sneaking up the stairs.
Many thanks for entering. Return on the morn, as the dial points to 10, for next week’s inspiration.
Peregrine Arc: D. Wallace Peach created this graphic that you can use (if you want) for a badge of honor as the winner: