I suffer from Approval Addiction.
In every exchange, I try to be what pleases the other person. With my children, I am an experienced adult who unconditionally loves them. With my neighbors, I aim to be the easy-going one who’s willing to provide a cup of flour or plate of cookies. With my friends, I lend a listening ear and supportive hand. With my blog, I’m the writer-of-all-trades in order to please the greatest number of followers.
I wear many, many masks. I feel I even wear masks within masks.
Unfortunately, I fail. With my children, I become the resentful, repressed, and stressed adult who makes them think they must earn my affection. With my neighbors, I bother, offend, and fail to keep up. With my friends, I …don’t really have any. With my blog, I back-post midnight thoughts and give up (yet again) on reading what others wrote.
I feel dizzy with the ride of expectations vs. reality. I start employing my old numbing tactics: little sleep, lots of junk food, and mindless apps to distract.
and round again.
Sometime near 2 or 3 a.m., I lift my tear-streaked face from the closet floor. “I can’t keep doing this,” I say, with a smidgen of resolve. “Something’s gotta give.” I consider what I can get rid of:
- Kids? Probably can’t give any back now.
- Dishes? I wishes.
- Laundry? Housework? Bill-paying? Errand-running? Etc? No, no, no, no, and no.
- Staring at my shoe rack from my position on the floor whilst eating chocolate? Maybe.
Ah, the writing. Some part of ‘the writing’ needs to give. I started blogging because I was going to succeed at something. Maybe I’d publish a book. Perhaps I’d attract tens of thousands of people to my site. Surely, I would change the world.
Whatever happened, my quick quips and cute phrases would most definitely be circulated around Facebook instead of the banal ones I saw daily.
Yet, here I sit, the same as when I started. I have nothing to show for all the time investment into ‘the writing.’
Well, I don’t literally have nothing to show for it. I have all of you.
I love my blogging friends, even those who don’t come around anymore. You’ve read, complimented, lifted, encouraged, responded, sympathized, reached out, poemed, and loved me. In a world where I rarely converse with like-minded people, I need this. I don’t expect everyone to read everything I write; you all feel the same, right?
So… I wonder how you all deal with ‘the writing.’ Have you a schedule? Do you write ahead? If you write and read less frequently, how do you still have followers?
Most importantly, do you write blog posts in the closet?
Here’s the breakdown for the week:
Wednesday, January 29: Talked about DIETING in, “The Diet: It Sucks But It Works.”
Thursday, January 30: Throwback to my Reddit story: “Customer Service.”
Saturday, February 1: Announced the 57th Weekly Terrible Poetry Contest. The theme is LOVE. PLEASE ENTER!
Sunday, February 2: Shared Jules’ page of the poem we commented to create.
Monday, February 3: An inspirational quote from Nitin.
Wednesday, February 5: Today
©2020 Chelsea Owens
Photo Credit: Jamesthethomas5